"BUTTERFLY" JONES, SENSATIONAL KID DETECTIVE

BUTTERFLY: Howdy coppers!

COP #1: Well, well. If it isn't "Butterfly" Jones, the pint-size gumshoe.

BUTTERFLY: Here to help you with the Case of the Stolen Car!

COP #1: And you're just in time.

COP #2: The car was taken from this parking spot over here. Why don't you take a look around and see what you can find?

BUTTERFLY: I'm on the case!

COP #1: I tell you, that Jones kid is something else.

COP #2: Hard to believe he's only eight years old.

COP #1: One hell of a detective, that's for damn sure.

BUTTERFLY: Aha! Being low to the ground, I spied a clue that you flatfeet "over-looked." Behold! A discarded Sweet'n'Crunchy wrapper. From this we can determine that our larcener had a taste for chocolate.

(The cops stare at him for a good ten seconds.)

COP #1: What in god's name are you talking about, kid?

BUTTERFLY: I... I found a clue.

COP #2: Are you nuts? It's a piece of litter on the street.

COP #1: It could have come from anywhere.

COP #2: I drop litter all the time.

COP #1: Everyone does.

COP #2: Everyone likes chocolate.

COP #1: It's one of America's most popular candy bars, kid.

BUTTERFLY: But I...

COP #1: You what?

BUTTERFLY: (starting to tear up) I thought... maybe... the DNA?

COP #1: DNA? You want us to send a random piece of trash down to the lab for DNA testing?

COP #2: You know that costs money right?

COP #1: Not to mention valuable time. We've got limited resources, kid.

COP #2: It's like you don't even understand how a budget works.

COP #1: Kid, did you even go to police college?

("Butterfly" bursts into tears and runs away.)

COP #1: That's one strange kid.

COP#2: You said it, partner.

(Suddenly, a loud car alarm blares. The cops turn to see a masked man in a black and white striped shirt across the street desperately shoving an entire candy bar in his face as he tries to jimmy open a car door with a coat hanger.)

COP #2: Jeez, will you look at that.

COP #1: It's like he's never used a pair of keys before.

COP #2: Does he even know how to open a door?

COP #1: HEY USE YOUR KEYS, BUDDY!


Brendan Patrick Hennessy, 11 February 2013