CEO: Alright. Is there any more business?

STUDIO EXEC 1: Just one more thing, sir. We received an unsolicited manuscript in the mail this morning.

CEO: Where's it from?

STUDIO EXEC 1: I don't know, sir. The return address just says "TURKEY." But it did come with a note. (Puts on glasses.) Ahem. "Dear, Movies. I did a film script for you, but it is only a script and there is no film so that must be fixed in the second draft, but I think it has potential. I am enclosing in this envelope a film script for you, which I wrote. Please make it, and send in return American money, which I can convert into my own currency."

STUDIO EXEC 2: There's a lot of good cinema coming out of Turkey lately. We should give it a look.

CEO: Agreed. Studio Executive 1, please read some random excerpts from the script out loud to us.

STUDIO EXEC 1: Yes, sir.

DIE HARD 5: DIE HARD WITH A BUS

JOHN MCCLANE: (at a beach!) At long last, my retirement.

(Three bikini-clad women walk up along front of him.)

JOHN MCCLANE: Well! Hello my pretties. Do you want to dance with this famous hero of America?

SECOND BIKINI GIRL: Giggle.

JOHN MCCLANE: Yes.

(Sound of siren)

JOHN MCCLANE: Hold these thought. My beeper is getting a page.

(He takes out cellphone and turns it on.)

JOHN MCCLANE: Yo?

PRESIDENT: Is this rugged superhero John McCane?

JOHN MCCANE: Is this the president?

PRESIDENT: You old goose! You know that it is.

JOHN MCCANE: Of course.

PRESIDENT: We have a mission. There is terrorism here and it must be stopped.

JOHN MCCANE: This is good. It is what I am trained for.

PRESIDENT: You are not too old for this?

JOHN MCCANE: I am too old for this.

PRESIDENT: Go get them anyway.

JOHN MCCANE: I'll.

* * *

(John McCain is leaning out of the bus, firing three guns at once)

JOHN MCCAIN: AAAAH! AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH!

(Terrorist #3 falls off the building and into a canal.)

WOMAN: We have trouble, John. Big time trouble.

JOHN MCCAIN: Oh? Can it wait until I am done firing these guns?

WOMAN: Yes.

(Shaky cam. John McCann fires more bullets out of the bus. Terrorist #7 falls of the building and into a canal.)

JOHN MCCANN: Okay. What is the trouble?

WOMAN: If the bus goes below 20 miles per hour, it will explode.

JOHN MCCANN: This bus?

WOMAN: The very bus. There are bombs all over it and inside.

JOHN MCCANN: (arching eyebrow in trademark fashion) How do you know this? What do you know about buses anyway?

WOMAN: I know this because... I am a terrorist.

JOHN MCMANN: Betrayer!

(John McMann fires bullets inside the bus. Woman falls off the bus and into a canal.)

WOMAN: (dead) I always loved you...

* * *

(Within the bus. The Hero is dismantling the bomb.)

JOHN MCKING: This is so delicate. So very delicate. I have not been in a more delicate situation for some time. I hope nothing distracts me.

(Suddenly, along comes that old troublemaker Güz, up to his old tricks. The familiar theme music for Güz plays and the audience smiles with recognition.)

GÜZ: Whoa hey! How did I get here?

JOHN MCKING: What? Güz? How did you get up here! You are that famous oaf who causes trouble wherever he goes!

GÜZ: Oh! Hey! Whoops! (slips on an oil slick)

JON MCKING: Careful, you oaf! I am this close to destroying the bus because of your interferences. (Prods dashboard with screwdriver) There. I think that is how to dismantler the bomb.

COMPUTER VOICE: Bomb system deactivated. Terrorism plot foiled. Congratulations.

JON MCKING: Well, here I guess that the whole situation is good! Time to take a relax in back of bus. Now don't you cause trouble here Güz!

GÜZ: (Clumsily salutes) You got it boss!

(John McKing swaggers to the end of the bus.)

GÜZ: Ah! (Sits down on driver's seat and peels a banana) Yes sir! This is the life for old Güz!

(Güz happily munches on the banana, but then glances over and sees a bomb in the area.)

GÜZ: Gulp!

(Dramatic ZOOM-IN on timer)

(Cut to Güz. Güz is shocked by the bomb! He does single takes! Double takes! Triple takes! Takes upon takes upon takes!!)

GÜZ: A buh-buh-buh-buh! A buh-buh-buh-buh!

(Güz runs elsewhere on the bus.)

BRUCE WILLIS: (stroking the hair of two women) Oh, lovely. You are so lovely.

GÜZ: Boss! Boss! There's a buh-buh-buh-buh! A buh-buh-buh-buh!

BRUCE WILLS: Not now, you oaf!

GÜZ: But there's a b-b-b-b!

BRUCE WILLS: I'm busy, Güz. What is it!

GÜZ: There's a b-b-b-b... a b-b-b-BOMB!

BRUCE WILLS: What?? You oaf! Why didn't you tell me!

(Güz turns to the camera and sheepishly shrugs.)

(Bruce Willes runs up to the bomb.)

WILLES: I will have to use my powers to defrost this powerful bomb.

(Willes stares at bomb and strange purple rays of power come from his head and go to the bomb.)

WILLES: (bomb is ticking down) You must not explode... you must not explode... you must... not... explode.

(5, 4, 3, 2, 1...!)

[Note to MUSIC DIRECTOR: At this point the timer reaches 0:00:00:00 and the music must be most intense to match it. Consult famos movies for details -writer]

(The bomb is a dud.)

GÜZ: Whoo! That was a close one, wasn't it boss?

WILLES: (injuring Güz) Moron! You almost did it again, didn't you!

(Five years later...)

MAYOR: For saving this fair city, I am awarding Mr. Bruce Wallis the award for best hero.

MR. BRUCE WILLAS: (awarded) Oh thanks. :)

MAYOR: So what have you got to say.

DR. BRUCE WILLAS: Look. This could have happened to us all without the help of a very special friend. And although I dislike him for his cowardice and oafish behaviour, I respect him as a friend. His name is Güz. Güz? Take a bow.

GÜZ: (eating a banana) Hmm? What's that boss? I was distracted. (slips on oil slick)

DR. BRUCE VILLAS: You oaf! You did it again!

MAYOR: Ohohoho! That Güz!

(Crowd laughs over credits)

(Credits. Total length of movie: 43 minutes)


STUDIO EXEC 1: Well, sir? What do you think?

CEO: I'm impressed. Very impressed. In fact, that's probably the best script I've read in all my years as a CEO. Unfortunately we're already making a movie this year. So pass.

STUDIO EXEC 1: Good choice, sir. I'll throw the script in the garbage.

CEO: No, that's too much trouble. Just let go of the script right where you're standing and hire someone to clean it up.

STUDIO EXEC 1: (Awkwardly releases script) I'll call the temp agency.


—Brendan Patrick Hennessy, 1 October 2008