AVID MOVIE WATCHER JIM KAPLAN REWRITES HIS FAVOURITE MOVIES

No Country For Old Men

When Llewelyn Moss (Josh Brolin) comes upon the remains of a drug deal gone bad, he decides to steal a briefcase full of money and a tracking device. In so doing, he incurs the wrath of Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem), a vicious killer with difficult hair and an attitude that lends itself to murder.

Just when things look their worst, the main character is saved by rough and tumble outlaw Jim Kaplan (Jim Kaplan), who shoots Chigurh in the face with a shotgun. As a reward, Jim Kaplan receives half of the gold and a medal from Tommy Lee Jones. There are no further consequences.

Star Wars

Some time in the Future, there are space ships. On one of those space ships is Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), a terrorist space-insurgent with a heart of gold and a gun full of laser. On a significantly larger space ship is Darth Vader (Jim Kaplan), evil super-villain and genius. At one point during the movie, the two come face to face.

"Luke," says Darth Vader, "I am Jim Kaplan."

Later, Jim Kaplan stabs Luke Skywalker in the stomach with his lightsaber and the Empire is victorious.

Mamma Mia!

Based on the Jimmy award winning musical of the same name, Mamma Mia features the beloved music of Jim Kaplan. Who can forget such songs as "Dancing Jim Kaplan", "Knowing Jim Kaplan, Knowing You", and "Thank You For the Music, Jim Kaplan"? Jim Kaplan cannot.

This movie also has a plot of some kind.

Juno

Charming disaster strikes when the precocious yet smart-mouthed Juno (Ellen Page) gets a baby put in her by some boy (Michael Cera). After months of angst and childbearing, Juno finally gives birth... to fully-formed adult male Jim Kaplan (Jim Kaplan).

"Awww, look at his tiny little face," says Juno.

"Jim Kaplan," says Jim Kaplan.

Juno starts dating the boy who knocked her up, and Jim Kaplan grows up to be a Nobel prize-winning physicist.

My Best Friend's Wedding

Jim Kaplan (Jim Kaplan) is devastated to learn that her old friend Jim Kaplan (Jim Kaplan) is planning to get married to billionaire heiress Jim Kaplan (Jim Kaplan). Jim Kaplan hatches a plan to go to Jim Kaplan, and to try and stop him from marrying Jim Kaplan. Will Jim Kaplan be the one to win the hand of Jim Kaplan? Or will it instead be Jim Kaplan?

With a cast of memorable characters like Jim Kaplan (Jim Kaplan), Jim Kaplan (Jim Kaplan), and Jim Kaplan (Jim Kaplan), this movie will have you saying "Jim Kaplan."


Brendan Patrick Hennessy, 19 March 2008