I am afraid that we must reject your submission, 1001 Silly Jokes. Despite what your title claims, none of these jokes are particularly silly. At the absolute best, they are confusing and distressing. At worst, they are horribly depressing. These jokes are so bad that they make nearby jokes less funny. My eight-year-old daughter found your manuscript on my desk and burst into tears the instant she read it. Now she has cut off all her hair and wishes to be raised as a boy. Do you see the kind of trouble you cause?
I would also like to point out that the manuscript as it stands contains nowhere near 1001 jokes. If my secretary's count is accurate, there are scarcely over 20. We at Joke Books Inc. pride ourselves on not misleading our customers. If they were to purchase a book called 1001 Silly Jokes and find a few dozen terrible jokes, they would feel betrayed and our brand would suffer as a result. This is an important time for our company and we cannot afford to follow the example of Misleading Jokes Inc.
Let me be perfectly blunt. I cannot, in good conscience, allow this filth to tarnish the good name of the number three joke publisher in Canada. Please take the enclosed manuscript and burn it. A man from our company will be by shortly to pick up the ashes and dispose of them.
C.E.O. of Joke Books Inc.
P.S. Never attempt to write again. Do not even reply to this letter.
Q: What do you call a pope at a baseball game?
A: The Holy Roman Umpire!
Q: What do they say to get popcorn baseball games started?
A: "Butter up!"
Q: What do cold viruses enjoy most about baseball games?
A: The Seventh Inning Strep!
Q: What do cooks like most about baseball?
A: The infield fry rule!
Q: Why are vampires so good at baseball?
A: Because they can turn into bats!
Q: What insect most annoys musicians?
A: Flute flies!
Q: What kind of music does grass hate?
Q: What did the cheese listen to?
A: A parme-song!
Q: What do glue musicians play?
A: Post-it Notes!
Q: How do invertebrates listen to music?
A: On tapeworms!
Yuk yuk yuk!
Q: What do you call a hoofed mammal in an outhouse?
A: Toilet tapir!
Q: How do you warm up a football player's foot?
A: Sock 'er!
Q: What is the one kind of martial arts that a lactose intolerant person can't do?
A: Tai Cheese!
Q: What's the smallest kind of cocktail?
A: A mar-tiny!
Q: What is the top selling brand of clothing underwater?
A: Abercrombie and Fish!
Q: What is the colander's favourite holiday?
A: New Year Sieve!
Q: What is the best kind of metal to lick?
Q: What do you call a skier who's tired of going down the mountain?
A: Snow bored!
Q: Why don't college students drink coffee?
A: They prefer universi-tea!
Q: Why don't clams donate to charity?
A: They're too shellfish!
—Brendan Patrick Hennessy, 17 January 2007