I'm James Franco. The astronaut, not the actor. Two years ago I was launched into space by scientists. But there was one catastrophic problem: the rocket had a chimp in it. Now we hurtle together through the cosmos.
[Space Chimp enters.]
I am space chimp.
I need my own bedroom, space chimp. I need a place to sleep on my own.
I'm just going to float here for a while.
I need definition. I need an identity. I need to inhabit a space that is unambiguously mine.
SPACE CHIMP (lying in James Franco's bunk)
Give me a banana.
No, space chimp, you can't bring two dates to the space prom.
As a chimp, I do not understand human social mores.
I'm calling those poor girls now. Computer, space phone.
[The computer manufactures a telephone above James Franco's head. He switches on the ARTAGRAV artificial gravity system and the phone drops neatly into his lap.]
You'll learn what it means to be heartbroken, space chimp. By god you will.
JAMES FRANCO (into phone)
Earth please. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, girls? I travel with the space chimp. Yes. No, I'm afraid he's made idiots of you both. I understand. Goodbye.
[He hangs up the phone. It crumbles to dust and gets sucked back into the shipboard recycling systems.]
This is the real world, space chimp. Sometimes you have to delay short-term gratification if you want to grow as a person.
Another fine scheme ruined by man.
Space chimp, what have you done to the oxygen controls? Space chimp! WE BOTH NEED AIR, SPACE CHIMP! YOU'LL DIE ALONGSIDE ME!
Air is invisible, James. How can you assign value to something that can't be seen?
JAMES FRANCO (running out of oxygen)
It's so dark up here in space... so cold. I miss my family. I miss God.
A human invention. Goodbye, James.
SPACE CHIMP (imitating James Franco's voice exactly)
Computer, open airlock.
I'm Martha Wainwright. The Egyptologist, not the singer. Four weeks ago we discovered another pyramid in Egypt. Major oversight I know, but it is what it is. Anyway, my team and I are about to enter the burial chamber and have a little look-see.
[They pry open the door.]
MARTHA WAINWRIGHT (into her tape recorder)
We're entering the burial chamber now. Two skeletons: one human, one chimp. Remnants of a NASA space capsule. If I had to guess I'd say that the missing astronaut/chimp duo that we've been reading about in the papers wound up 5000 years back in time and got buried as pharaohs. Another great triumph for America's space program.
—Brendan Patrick Hennessy, 20 July 2011