THE VIADUCT

(The Viaduct, August 24th 2009)

GIGS: Anyway, like I was saying, you should watch this Obama guy. He's going to be big.

TONY: I've never heard of him. Is he like a senator or something?

GIGS: Nah, he's the president.

TONY: Oh.

MAN ON LEDGE: Hey.

(Gigs and Tony look up)

MAN ON LEDGE: (waving) Hey, up here.

TONY: Uh... hi?

MAN ON LEDGE: Don't try and talk me out of it.

GIGS: Out of what?

MAN ON LEDGE: Jumping. I'm going to do it.

TONY: Okay.

MAN ON LEDGE: I don't have anything to live for.

TONY: You should probably jump then.

MAN ON LEDGE: I'm going to! You just watch.

GIGS: What? That's stupid. You're stupid. Don't jump.

MAN ON LEDGE: Why shouldn't I?

TONY: Yeah, why shouldn't he?

GIGS: Man, come on. Don't encourage a guy to commit suicide.

TONY: Well if he wants to do it, why not?

GIGS: You're so dumb.

MAN ON LEDGE: I'm going to do it!

TONY: Go ahead.

GIGS: Don't do it.

MAN ON LEDGE: I...

GIGS: Don't jump.

TONY: Jump.

GIGS: Shut up Tony.

TONY: You shut up.

GIGS: Do not jump.

MAN ON LEDGE: I don't...

TONY: Are you going to jump or not?

MAN ON LEDGE: I don't I don't know! You both make such good points...

TONY: Well whatever you do, you'd better hurry. They're putting in that new suicide fencing tonight.

MAN ON LEDGE: What?

TONY: Yeah, right over there. (gestures at the workmen installing suicide fencing less than twenty feet away.) So if you want to commit suicide now would be the time.

GIGS: Or you could wait for a few more minutes.

TONY: No, he's trying to trick you. Jump really fast.

MAN ON LEDGE: Shut up. Shut up for a second. Which one of you kids is cooler?

TONY: What?

MAN ON LEDGE: On the playground or on the internet or whatever. Who's the cooler one? I'll do whatever the cooler one tells me to do.

GIGS: That's a pretty stupid way to decide whether or not to kill yourself.

MAN ON LEDGE: Look, don't try to talk me out of it, alright? Just tell me which one of you is cooler.

TONY: Well, I don't know. I'm on the rugby team and I get invited to parties, so that's pretty cool. And I can play guitar kind of. But I don't have a girlfriend.

GIGS: He's gay.

TONY: Yeah, I'm gay and I don't have a girlfriend. So there's that.

GIGS: It kind of puts some people off.

MAN ON LEDGE: Okay. What about you?

GIGS: I use computers, so that's pretty geeky.

TONY: He's pretty cool with computers though. Like as computer people go.

GIGS: Yeah, that's true.

TONY: People are always coming up to him and going "Yo Gigs"

GIGS: Gigs is short for Gigabytes.

TONY: Yeah, Gigs is short for Gigabytes. They're always like "Yo Gigs, can you hack my grades?" or "Yo Gigs, you totally hacked those guys back there. Nice one."

GIGS: Yeah, people are generally impressed with me because I do it so well.

TONY: Yeah.

GIGS: And I have a nice haircut.

TONY: Yeah.

GIGS: And I hang out with Paul and Brook and Rebecca Statham at lunch and they're pretty cool.

TONY: Well, not so much Brook. But Paul and Becca.

GIGS: Yeah. So I guess on the whole you'd have to say that we're pretty much equally cool.

TONY: Yeah, around equal.

WORKMAN: Hey, I don't mean to interrupt, but do you folks mind if we install this suicide fencing here?

GIGS: No, that's fine. Go right ahead.

MAN ON LEDGE: Hey, wait–

WORKMAN: (quickly installs suicide fencing.) All done. You folks have a good night now.

MAN ON LEDGE: Aw...

GIGS: Well that settles that I guess.

TONY: What do you mean? He could still climb the fence.

GIGS: What? No he couldn't. That's stupid.

TONY: No, he totally could. It's not that high.

GIGS: He could not.

TONY: He could! Guy, climb that fence.

GIGS: Don't do it.

MAN ON LEDGE: (buries head in hands)


Brendan Patrick Hennessy, 14 April 2009