WASP CITY

AT THE AIRPORT IN WASP CITY

SECURITY: Sir, is this your jar of wasps?

DYLAN: Uh yeah that's mine.

SECURITY: We're going to need you to open it up for security.

DYLAN: Oh sure, no problem.

(He opens the jar. Six dozen wasps fly out.)

SECURITY: Thank you sir. Go on ahead.

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL IN WASP CITY

COUNCILLOR MITCHELL: The Mayor wants to distract you from his record in office. Time and again, he has voted for higher taxes and fewer wasps. If I am elected, my first act will be to bring you lower taxes and more wasps!

AUDIENCE: (scattered unenthusiastic applause)

COUNCILLOR MITCHELL: Or wait—no. Hold on. Do you people want more wasps or fewer wasps?

AUDIENCE: (murmurs of disagreement)

NEW YEARS' EVE IN WASP CITY

NATE: Hey, it's almost midnight.

BECKY: Oh shit, you're right.

NATE: So uh... we're the only single people at this party, huh?

BECKY: Hmm? Oh. Yeah I guess. I mean that's a pretty irrelevant fact but it is technically true. Hey, what's up Dylan? (She high fives Dylan as he walks past.)

NATE: Look, they're dropping the ball.

EVERYONE: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Happy New Year!!

(Nate looks over. Becky is making out with a swarm of wasps.)

NATE: (sigh.)

ORDERING LUNCH IN WASP CITY

GUY BEHIND COUNTER: Yes, can I help you?

CASPER: Uh yeah. Can I get a bacon cheeseburger?

GUY BEHIND COUNTER: You want the combo with that?

CASPER: No thanks. Just a small diet coke.

GUY BEHIND COUNTER: And do you want wasps on your burger?

CASPER: Uh, can I get the wasps on the side?

GUY BEHIND COUNTER: Sure thing.

(Fifteen minutes later, at Casper's office.)

CO-WORKER: Working through lunch, huh?

CASPER: Yeah, I've got to send this thing off by five.

(He lifts the top bun off his burger. Eighteen wasps fly out of it.)

CASPER: Oh, come on.

RUNNING INTO FRIENDS IN WASP CITY

BECKY: Hey.

CODY: Hmm? Oh. Hey. (She takes off her headphones.) Sorry. I didn't see you there.

BECKY: What are you listening to?

(Cody offers Becky her headphones. She puts them on. A dozen wasps fly out of each ear and swarm all over her face.)

BECKY: Man, I don't know how you listen to this chillwave shit.

TALK RADIO IN WASP CITY

COUNCILLOR MITCHELL: The fact is, this is just another in a long line of anti-wasp votes from our out of touch Mayor, and come election day the taxpayers aren't going to stand for it.

RADIO HOST: But the Mayor just voted to release 4,000 wasps from the city wasp vault. Would it not be more accurate to characterize him as pro-wasp?

COUNCILLOR MITCHELL: No, he's anti-wasp. We have 4,000 fewer wasps now than when we stared.

RADIO HOST: But from the perspective of the wasps, this is a good thing. Those wasps are free to fly around as nature intended.

COUNCILLOR MITCHELL: Wait, is that what pro-wasp means?

RADIO HOST: I think so. Maybe?

COUNCILLOR MITCHELL: Well whatever it is, I oppose it.

RADIO HOST: Frank commentary as always, councillor. We'll be right back.

AN INTIMATE MOMENT IN WASP CITY

CODY: Talk dirty to me, babe.

(Dylan opens his mouth and thirty wasps fly out.)

CODY: Ew! Dylan!

DYLAN: What? You said talk dirty.

CODY: Yeah I meant romantic dirty, not dirty dirty.

DYLAN: What does that mean?

CODY: You know, something like (She opens her mouth and thirty wasps fly out.)

DYLAN: How is that any different from what I said?

CODY: Ugh, forget it.

TOURISM IN WASP CITY

TOURIST: Excuse me miss, can you direct me to the giant swarm of ten thousand hornets?

BECKY: Uh, you head down that way until you hit the river and then it'll be right in front of you to your left. You can't miss it.

TOURIST: Thank you. Is it a very long way?

BECKY: No like fifteen minutes tops. But listen, if you want to see the real city, there's this swarm of forty thousand wasps literally like two blocks from here and it is out of this world. That's the swarm all the locals go to.

TOURIST: I welcome the advice, but my time in your city is limited and I promised my wife that I would take a picture of myself in front of each of the major attractions. Thank you and goodbye. (He heads off towards the hornets.)

BECKY: Pfft. Tourists.

DATING ADVICE IN WASP CITY

CODY: Your problem is you're too picky.

NATE: All I want is a funny attractive girl who isn't covered in wasps. I don't think that's so unreasonable.

CODY: Dude, every girl has some wasps on her. You've just got to give them a chance.

NATE: Look, I'm sure there are perfectly nice girls out there that have wasps all over them, but I don't want to start dating a girl if I'm just going to end up brushing wasps off her all day. That's a waste of time to me.

CODY: Whatever. Let's just order. What's good here?

NATE: The green curry is pretty solid.

CODY: (idly brushing wasps off her shoulder) Ugh, I hate eggplant.

PUBLIC TRANSIT IN WASP CITY

CASPER: (holding a jar of wasps in his lap) Man, look at this asshole. (He gestures over to a half-asleep man with a jar of wasps on the seat next to him.)

DYLAN: (also holding a jar of wasps in his lap) Oh jeez.

CASPER: Like, come on dude. It's rush hour.

DYLAN: What can you say, bro? Some people just don't know how to be considerate of others.

CASPER: True say.

DYLAN: Hey do you mind if I eat something? I skipped lunch today.

CASPER: Knock yourself out.

(Dylan unscrews his jar and six dozen wasps fly out. He plucks one out of the air and pops it in his mouth.)


Brendan Patrick Hennessy, 15 July 2012